oH_x_tHe_heaRtaChe's Xanga

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10/26/05--18:16: Thursday, October 27, 2005 (chan 1054995)

so this morning...i did it. i...let it all go. im sorry jordan. i hope we can go back to the way we were...but id understand if u didnt want to. i just...idk. cant do it i guess. and i dont understand why people have so much faith in me. why cant everyone just accept the fact that im a screw up? i mean...i cant hide it anymore. so...why should other people try to dust it under a rug like it never happens? i dont get it...

today..hm. bad day. brandons birthday. what a coincidence. first period...i found out i was passing Physics. yay for that. um..second period..nothing really. we did this personality thing and i turned out to be one of the four "gaurdians"- -take a wild guess which one..."The Provider"- -haha. go figure. third period..pyschology with benayHAY!my lover. always good times. fourth period...French. didnt really do anything..like always. then went to practice. our last one. it was really sad. Coach Hart's last one too.hmph.

after practice...jenny took me home cuz my dad had my car cuz he got in a wreck yesterday. so i come home..waited on my mom to come get me so i could get my car. i get there, get in my car, and low && behold- -my car screws up. it got stuck in Neutral. so im sitting in the middle of the road with my foot on the brake, trying not to roll back and get hit. wonderful. my dad comes to save me...gets me outta the road and put the car in Park. when i get in...it wont come out of Park. i think my car just hates me. i lost it. i went and sat in my dads car && cried. too much crap going on...and i hate it. i called Jordan && told him i wasnt gonna make it to church. made me feel even worse...

so i came home...and worked on my Jehovah's Witness powerpoint tomorrow for English. i JUST NOW got done. hmm...yay for learning. amanda came over a little bit ago just to check on me.and we decided what were gonna be for Halloween. shes gonna be a frog && im gonna be a rock. hahahaha. hilarious. i love our beautiful, cruel && cynical symbolism.

mmkaye..well..not much else goin on. kinda...depressing && disappointing altogether- -but no suprise there! HA! hmm..ok well everyone have a great night! later dudes.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."- -Proverbs 3:5

- -it was so amazing. i was praying..and asking God to just...save me. take me now. something. so i opened my Bible just randomly becuz i was gonna pick up where i left off in Job. and it was weird becuz..i opened it to Proverbs...and in BRIGHT GREEN that verse was highlighted...with the date 12-4-03 next to it. it took me a while to figure out...but that was back in my freshman year..when...yeah. all that happened. my seven months of "silence" i guess. and now that i read it again...it applies more to me now then ever. im just...blown away.




10/30/05--08:02: Sunday, October 30, 2005 (chan 1054995)

hey guys. um..i think...im gonna stop updating so much. everythings just so...crazy right now. && i dont want people to think im goin back and forth between things they dont understand. so..i guess...if u really care that much about whats goin on..u can just ask. cuz..i have a feeling...my explanations arent gonna be good enough. or what everyone else wants to hear. so...yeah. get used to it. mentally unsound? carcrash? nervous wreck? broken? nope. no excuses.

i love yall...

later.




11/10/05--17:01: Friday, November 11, 2005 (chan 1054995)

hey friends. just wanted to let everyone know...all is well. i suppose...

went to my nose surgeon tuesday...saw my future face. twas lovely. only...a month and 9 days left. its seriously the highlight of my year.

i went to my eating disorder/nutritionist yesterday...that went well too. the first steps are always the toughest...but yay for my supporting && loving friends.

today...went and worked out with my naynayman i love her.

i would also like to say...that i love EVERY SINGLE one of my best friends...paige benay gill samm amanda chels jenny...i really dont know where id be without u whores. like really. these past couple of weeks have been...maddness...and yall are like...my glue. the only thing holding me together. besides God. thats given...

the boyfriend situation...there is none. im just..idk. blah. i miss my jordan gill. he got his fone taken away and..now i never get to talk to him. it saddens me quite deeply to be honest...

this weekend...going to the lake with my lovers. yay. im excited.good times good times.

tyler davis = one big nerd && james brandon = my favoritest lover of all time- -i love these two boys with all my wittle hawt

hm...alrighty..well..theres my update. later kids.




11/13/05--08:51: Sunday, November 13, 2005 (chan 1054995)

im losing it. and the sad part...i dont care...

    

friday...we all went to the laketons of fun. i got in trouble tho on the way home cuz...my fone didnt have service the whole time i was there and my parents found out i wasnt w/ benays parents...but it doesnt matter. i get in trouble more now than ever...and i guess its just an unending cycle b/c...my lack of CARING has disappeared. whatever. i had fun. i love my friends. alex && chad were crackin me up...haha car adhesive..lol and amanda desi && cass..i love yallyay for the ride down there! THUMBS UP MY FRIENDS!

saturday...i came home at like 2 and did nothing for a few hours...my parents werent speaking to me so..me sister and her friends came in my room and chilled with me. at like 6...we all went to the new mall in garland w/ gill && naynnerz...hmm good times. i didnt feel too good tho...still dont. but yeah. so after we left the mall...i went and saw SAW II with amanda. holy mother of PEARL that was the most disgusting SICK uncivil  VULGAR movie i have EVER seen. it was good i guess..like..i didnt wanna get up and go to the bathroom even tho i hadda go cuz i didnt wanna miss anything. so i guess the filmmakers did their job. u got us on the edge of our seats. kudos to u.

after the movie...me and amanda went...around for a little while. i feel so...idk. but yeah. after that we went back to her house and watched some of The Girl Next Door and fell asleep. good times good times.

    

ok. so. maybe some of u can help me. i seemed to have misplaced my heart. i also have come to find out that..when dealing with the opposite sex...i have now taken the role of the male. and what i mean by that is...i act like..the guy. emotionally wise. u know how u hear of all these girls complaining about their men cuz theyre more the HIT IT AND QUIT IT type...and how they dont show their emotions and blah blah blah....perfect example: - -

& everytime a boy breaks your heart
you'll move on & find a new one & you
think; maybe this boy won't be like the rest.
but in the end he lets you down just like
all the others, leading you to think all
boys will break your heart < / 3

- -the same stuff i used to gripe at brandon for...well...i have turned into that person. i dont know if its becuz i honestly DONT CARE...or if ive just forgotten how. i mean..yeah i care about other peoples feelings (mostly girls..) but when it comes to guys im just like..."eh...theyll get over it."- -should i feel bad for feeling like that? cuz..when u think about it..isnt that the truth? i cant even begin to count the number of times ive prolly hurt a certain someone(s) (make that plural) feelings...but...in the end theyre just gonna figure out that theyre wasting their time, move on, and get over it. so...am i in the wrong for feeling like a total...bitch? i mean..i cant even think of any other word that would describe it.kind of a shame i guess...i dunno...

    

my parents are leaving tomorrow for the 25th Wedding Anniversary Cruise. even tho theyre mad at me && still not speaking to me..i dont want them to go. i need them here. and even tho i dont tell them half the crap that i do && deal with...i still feel some sort of comfort coming home to a house where i have both my parents waiting to hear from me. something i take for granted...alot. i dunno..

song of the day...I May Hate Myself in the Morning-LeeAnn Womack...this goes out to you...

                                                    

Ain't it just like one of us
To pick up the phone after a couple drinks
Say how ya been I've been wondering if maybe you've been thinking 'bout me
And somewhere in the conversation
An ole familiar invitation always arrives
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

Everyone's known someone they just can't help but want
Even though we just can't make it work out
Well the want to lingers on
So once again we wind up in each other's arms pretending that it's right
I may hate myself in the morning
But I'm gonna love you tonight

I know it's wrong
But it ain't easy moving on
So why can't two friends
Remember the good times once again

Tomorrow when I wake up I'll be feeling a little guilty, a little sad
Thinking how it used to be before everything went bad
I guess that's what is
In lonely late night calls like this that we try to find
I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight

I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight




11/20/05--09:30: Sunday, November 20, 2005 (chan 1054995)

hey kids. last nite..went to The Door && saw our boys playshades of rainbow- -gotta love em. me && samm went on a double date && saw Harry Potter. faboulous. i loved it. my parents got home yesterday from their crooooose...i missed them. theres alotta drama going on && i hate having to deal with it by myself.

ok so..yeah i dont really have anything else to say..i got another invitation to NYLF in the mail...but i dont think im gonna go next year. last summer was SO AMAZING and i dont think i would wanna try && replace it with the same experience..with different surroundings. so..heres to my california babies...i miss yall SO incredibly much



my roomies- -cris irene and meeeeee <3333 i love yall



us at universal



john me cris && KARAAAAAAAAAAA



theres us on the bus...yay for Los Angeles



right before our Galla...oh man...our "dance" on the boat...ill never forget <3



one night after our social....haha if yall ONLY KNEW



i miss my twin- -but OH HELL YES...this summer...gonna be soooooooooooooooo AMAZING! im gonna go visit ALL my boos..california, kentucky, ohio...AHHH! I CANT WAIT!

- -well..on a lighter note..hm..? lets see...countdowns?

my nose surgery- -i will turn into a beautiful butterfly in : 29 days

we get outta school- -freedom begins in : 30 days (technically i get out early cuz my nose...haha suckers)

my birffday- -no curfew in : 23 days

thanksgiving- -a reason to eat && not feel bad in : 4 days

alright thats all i got.  ok kids..i gotta get ready && take SAMMMMM to work <333 later dudes.




11/23/05--12:46: Wednesday, November 23, 2005 (chan 1054995)

tomorrow is Thanksgiving!!!- -and i am thankful for...my amazing friends, my family, && my health. yeah sure..laugh about it. but theres other people out there that have it way worse..so be thankful dadgummit

last night..nothing really. hung out w/ mi amors <333 && chilled at "the lane" lol as A.T calls it. this morning..woke up early w/ gill && watched Kill Bill 2. then samm finally got up...and we all went shopping...fun stuff. i lushchu puntindoodles

tonight..i think im just gonna stay here..cuz im not feelin too peachy && plus tomorrow is thanksgiving. yay for more family time than ill EVER need. ah.

ya know what? ok i was browsing through other peoples xangas and just looking at pictures and stuff...and ive noticed that in almost all the pictures..everyone looks..sad or something. idk. maybe its an emo thing. but i think now..smiling is so overrated. like really. who just looks into a camera with their friends and smiles becuz theyre really happy? idk. maybe its just me. i read into everything like a madwoman so maybe its just my imagination...whatever.

Lately I'm alright
and lately I'm not scared
I've figured out,
that what you do to me feels like
I'm floating on air.
I don't need to know right now 
all I know is I believe
in the very thing that got us here
and now I can't leave

but when I look in the mirror
I see giirl a whose been through so much
and yet, still finds a way to smile at the past.
She still loves with all her heart
or whats left of it..
& when you see her walk down the hall
I can gaurantee you she'll have her head up high

- -thats me at this point...hm..

hmm...my new love<3333 Panic! at the Disco...I Write Sins Not Tragedies

Oh, well imagine, as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor,
and I can't help but to hear, no I can't help but to hear an exchanging of words:
"What a beautiful wedding! What a beautiful wedding!" says a bridesmaid to a waiter.
"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame, the poor groom's bride is a whore."

I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of...

Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne
Oh! Well in fact, well I'll look at it this way, I mean technically our marriage is saved
Well this calls for a toast, so pour the champagne, pour the champagne

I'd chime in with a "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Again...

I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.
I'd chime in, "Haven't you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door?!"
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality.

Again...

 

<3





11/27/05--12:19: Sunday, November 27, 2005 (chan 1054995)

hey kids! well..im supposed to be doing homework...but we took our Christmas card pictures yesterday so..heres a few!





 





alrighty...later dudes.




12/03/05--16:10: Sunday, December 04, 2005 (chan 1054995)

hOw doEs it

fEeL...

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BiRTHDAY iS iN 10 DAYS!!!!

AND MY SURGERY iS iN....

16 DAYS!!!!

HECK YES! but please excuse me if i dont getta big head and post a million pictures of myself on here...im sorry. i dont like arrogance. i dont like people that possess that quality either...hmm...yeah..

i got my hair done today..put more red in it...and re-did the black. yay...

alright..well i just wanted to update cuz i was tired of lookin at those pictures. later loves.




12/04/05--14:19: Sunday, December 04, 2005 (chan 1054995)

i SHOULD be working on my allusion journal for golnick...but..im procrastinating. benay wants me to dye her hair and im still waitin on gill cuz shes supposed to help me...yeah yeah i know excuses excuses...

hmm..ok so today i went over to this ladys house for an RSVP project with school...it was me olivia lindsay and stephanie. this lady was so cute..shes not very old but she hassa bad back so she needed help vacuuming and gardening and all that fun stuff so of course we wanted to help. ok so she has this 13 year old daughter that lives with her..and shes HORRIBLE to her. i wanted to smack her in the back of the head and scream at her "YOUR MOTHER SPENT GOD KNOWS HOW LONG IN LABOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU DADGUMMIT SO YOU BETTER BE GREATFUL YOUR EVEN ALIVE!" oh man...she made me so mad. lol even OLIVIA had to bite her tongue..that tells u something right there if u know olivia..but yeah. so..today...i let my mom know how much i love her. not that i dont tell her every day...but..i just wanted to remind her again i guess...

another reminder...i love my friends. gill && samm...idk where id be w/out yall. after all this crap with everyone else..its like yall are my legs. "ya know why...cuz were a freaking TRiPOD" haha i lush chall

boys...ugh. blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. thats what i have to say to that. i went on a date...friday night? hmm good times.  he was really hott too..i mean..he was sweeter than alotta other guys ive dated too dont get me wrong..but aw he was so...cutehmm..

alrighty..well..i have homework calling my name. i miss one day of school becuz of an ongoing PANiC ATTACK and i get punished with oodles of homework. go figure. later loves <3333




12/09/05--21:12: Saturday, December 10, 2005 (chan 1054995)

AH ok so i hate updating. whats new...

hmm..lets see..this week..has pretty much been the worst week of the month. actually...it was only wednesday. terrible day.

monday- -i got my ticket for 300 dollars...told my mom, got grounded, got yelled at, cried && was ignored by my father..

tuesday- -...sucked. i hate tuesdays. found out some stuff about my sister that scares the crap outta me..nuff said.

wednesday- -o lord. gill text me in first period and said that one of the guys i used to date had met this girl that i have a high...dislike for. and this guy was supposedly talking crap about my two best friends..gill and samm. so of course..here comes the wrath of laura. i texted him and asked him what the heck was wrong with him...and we started arguing..and then he turned on me. he proceeded to say, "blah blah blah YOURE WORTHLESS, blah blah NO WONDER GUYS RUN AWAY FROM YOU more blah bliddy blah..YOURE A LOST CAUSE blah blah blah AND IMPOSSIBLE TO LOVE." then he told me not to be suprised if him && this girl showed up on my front porch..and just so happened to have sex. right in front of me. oh man..i lost it. so...yeah. the rest of my day at school...hmm not good at all. i cried all during fourth period. THEN...hmm yay. my dad called and said that he was gonna come get me cuzza the storm && i hadda 5oclock EATING DISORDER THERAPIST appointment. fabulous. made my day even brighter. so..i got in the car...my dad finally spoke to me..and started in on me about the 300 dollars..and i started crying again cuz...idk. at any other time i woulda just sat there and pretended to listen, nodd my head, and be perfectly fine. im so used to the "im so disappointed in u" speeches- -so it shouldnt have mattered. but it did. that was something that i didnt really need to hear on top of all my insults...ugh. my exact thoughts at that moment were:

"keep em coming God, keep em coming...anyone else wanna take a shot?"- -horrible day. u know those days when u wish u could just freeze time becuz everything is so perfect u never wanna leave...yeah...that WAS DEFINATELY NOT THE CASE that day...

thursday- -AHH! WONDERFUL! NO SCHOOL! i was at my virgillians all day. yeah yeah yeah i AM still grounded...but my mom felt sorry for me. and i wanted to see my Mason.man i love her. my favoritest 3 year old in the entire world. mmmmmmmmm. ohhhhh and i gotta see my new zach.good times. and JAMES BRANDON I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!! haha

today- -school..womp womp. it was ok. my family and i went to eat tonight for my birthday. we went to the West End and ate at...Newports? its a seafood restaurant? idk. it was good. yay for expensive high class food. then we came home, gill && samm came over and we all played catchphrase. more fun. then...me gill and samm went to sonic && then matt woolys to play LIFE with him michael S && mikedeezy. but my dad called and made me come home...house arrest. ugh. jerkface.

so yeah...yay for...crappy&& random good moment weeks.

ALEX COMES HOME iN 11 DAYS!!! Mii BiRFFDAY iS iN 4 DAYS! && Mii SURGERY iS iN 10 DAYS!!!! YAYYYYYYYYY!!!! OHHHHHHH yeah..more good news! my mom told me that i getta go out with my friends for my birthday this week...and were gonna go eat && then to the Dallas World Aquarium. im soooooooooooo ciiiiited. so if u wanna go...let me know!

hmmmm...alrighty well...me and emily are watchin Jackass && Steves about to get his butt peirced. later loves <333